Monday, January 11, 2010

The Halcyon Days of no Bras and free love...


Over the last week I have spent more time then I should freely admit watching teen movies, why I am not exactly sure. My selections ranged from obscure ultra low budget 'classics' from the late 70's and 80's (the pictured Spring Break from 1983) all the way up to high budget mainstream hits of the last decade (American Pie and all it's various off shoots). Now after wathing more the 12 of these things in less then a week I, in my opinion, have the somewhat dubious honor of having become an expert which gives me the right to the following opinions...

First off I think it could be considered a widely accepted fact that teen movies are not what they once where' Somewhere, somehow, what little class and quality there was to these movies has been drained out and replaced with... well I don't know but I don't like it. When you watch the 'classics' of the genre it always seems the the kids just out to have a good time end up not only on a quest to get laid but forced to stand up for what's right and fight for what they believe in. Not so much in today's modern teen films, anymore it just seems like a bunch of privileged white suburban dongs fighting a battle against good taste in an effort to get their carrots wet. Even the eventual hook ups and happy endings lack any depth to them, there is rarely a single moment where we see a real sacrifice for the sake of love; I fear there may never be another Lloyd Dobler to inspire future generations of men to do stupid things...

Not only are they not fighitng the rightious battle anymore but how often can we really view these kids as 'underdogs?' I'm sorry but after growing up wathing Revenge of the Nerds and its' contemporaries have have massive problems viewing the frat boys and good looking young men of the modern teen movies as underdogs just trying to get the respect they deserve. I mean who in their right mind is going to get behind Van Wilder because they feel the poor privlaged dong is getting taken advantage of? Come the fuck on people.

The next thing I miss in modern teen movies is teens that look like teens and breasts that look like they belong on human women. I'm not sure, exactly, how we are supposed to accept a good looking kid in his mid 20's as a nerdy outcast in high school, that shit does not cut it man. What ever happened to unlikely geeky looking heroes like Mitch Taylor? Know why that kid was such a convincing dorky 15 year old? Because he was 15 fucking years old and looked like a dork! I, for one, am sick of seeing actors fighting a wicked 5'oclock shadow on their well formed square jaw portray geeky high school freshmen! And don't even get me started on the freakishly pneumatic fake ass fun-bags that show up every 10 minutes for no apparent reason. I'm all for boobs most of the time but when I have to start thinking of Porky's as a bastion of modesty and good taste when it comes to the display of the female anatomy I think it's time to scale things back just a touch. Give me the good old days of tank tops, modest breasts and no bras thank you very much.


I think it's high time we demand our teen movies back. I urge you all to write your alderman, senator, congressperson and our president demanding that they take some kind of action to return the classic teen movie to it's rightful place in movie theaters and video stores everywhere. If we don't do something soon we are going to have a whole generation on our hands who will never believe that having a massive party is the best course of action when faced with certain defeat and that is NOT a world I want to live in.

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