Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Laundry letter...

Dear gaping fuckhole neighbors I share a washing machine with,

You have left me no choice. I did not want it to come to this but my hands are tied. There is nothing else to be done. A man can only be pushed so far before he has no choice but to push back.

This last load of laundry was my last here. No more shall I enjoy the easy convenience of in building laundry. Forevermore I am, thanks to your callous and ignorant actions, condemned to a life of laundromats and drop off service. Never again will I be able to simply walk down the stairs and wash my clothes because the washer and drier are going to be full of urine; my urine.

Cry all you want, I have no regrets.

You knew the risks but you choose to ignore the consequences and willfully breached laundry room etiquette. It's true my passive aggressive notice, posted after your last bought or extreme assholery, concerning proper laundry room behavior didn't list exactly what those consequences were it did say there would be a price to be paid if certain levels of civility could not be maintained.

You knew this was coming and you have nobody to blame but yourself; or at the very least whatever jerk-stick displaced my laundry. I mean would it have been THAT fucking hard to just let the fucking cycle for the washer finish instead of removing my soap drenched clothes and tossing them in the filthy laundry sink? I mean I guess maybe something could have come up where you needed whatever the fuck were washing done immediately but I am guessing the need to fuck my clothes up came mostly from piss poor planning on your part.

Oh, and just so you know, that pretty dress you where washing in preparation for whatever it is you had to have it clean for?

It's full of my pee.

I hope you get a rash, bitch.

Now I know my own actions here seem callous and ignorant as well... Actually they probably are but sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

Monday, May 17, 2010

There's one in every crowd...

I have recently become obsessed with assholes. Not the 'winking brown knot hole of love' kind either, but the 'walking upright' kind instead...

A few nights ago, out for a lovely evening in a group, we had our night not quite spoiled by one member of our party. Being the high strung prick that I am this may, or may not, have bothered me a bit more than it did my companions; either way it did put me to thinking and I came to a realization.

Pretty much every fun thing I do is consistently spoiled, or at the every least tainted, by the participation of a small but annoying minority. Be it their epic levels if inebriation, over whelming urge to be the alpha male or just general assholiness it seems like every thing I do and every social event I attend is plagued by this issue. You have 1% of the population fucking it all up for the remaining 99% and it seems like they fall into one of two groups; proud or clueless.

More often then not your asshole is just some guy, or gal, who has no idea just how much they are mangling the experience of those around them but in a few special cases you get that special brand of asswipe who takes some kind of pride in being public douche bag #1. I'm not sure if it's the romanticizing of the bad boy in popular culture or people are just fucking bred like that but what the fuck!

Well fuck this shit, I have had my good time ruined by these fuckers one time to many; next kid that shits in my Cheerios is in for a surprise because I am going to ask them to stop, leave, get the fuck out of my space or other wise bug the fuck off and quit fucking it up for everyone else no matter how it makes me look. I don't care if it makes me look like an asshole or not...

Oh, wait...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Locking Down Good Etiquette While Locking Up...

Locking up your bike does not, on the surface, seem to be a situation where proper manners come into play. It all seems like pretty simple coming sense chit; Don't lock up to gates, respect others property, obey signage, don't block people in and don't fucking lock up to strangers bike!!

The other morning I went outside with the plan of riding my bike somewhere only to find a remnant of the party one of my neighbors threw still locked up to my bike; through only the rear wheel no less. Needless to say I was nonplussed with this inconvenience impeding my ability to, you know, live my life. Not being quite enough of an asshole to beat on the doors of all my neighbors in order to find the offender I was forced to alter my plans.

Sadly I was unable to lie in wait for the hooligan who locked his hipster whip to my bike. Not just because I wanted to verbally berate him but because after he unlocked from me I was able to see that during some part of the whole procedure he had managed to knock my wheel significantly out of true and move it in the drop outs... I don't have the words to articulate just how pissed off this makes me. Not only have I been inconvenienced but this shit head would have cost me money if I, like many bicycle owners, did not know how to true my wheel myself.

The thing that really floors me about the whole thing is that somebody would lock up to a complete strangers bike and then leave it there for a significant amount of time! Lock up to a stranger bike and for all you know the person you locked to could be planning on leaving in a couple of minutes and you just made them late for work. I mean are people so fucking lazy they can't just walk down the block a bit and find another spot to lock up? It seems bizarre to me that should be an issue with people who choose a form of transportation that relies on them to power it. Coupled with the complete disregard for others property that locking to my wheel, the most fragile part of a bike, demonstrates.

Of course this does not apply if you are locking to somebody you know, and find them to let them know. I do this myself from time to time but always find the friend I am locked to and let them know. I also make sure to let said friend know I'm locked to them so they know to find me when they leave. Most importantly I am respectful of their property and make sure to not damage their bike when I lock to it.

Next time this happens I'm going to sit and wait till my bike gets unlocked and then beat the perpetrator in the head with is own u-lock...

What other important lock etiquette do you think should be followed?

Thursday, May 6, 2010

A Blog Reborn, Again...

Welcome, once again, to yet another retooling of my little slice of the blogosphere. Once again I am feeling the need to pollute the information super highway with all of the various crap that floats in and out of my brain; of course this time it actually is going to be a little different, and not just because I actually stick to updating it…

In the past I have tried to center on the seemingly endless well of hate I have for, well, pretty much everything and everybody but I am looking to branch out a little bit because to be flat honest with you trying to sit down and write about stuff I hate every other day or so is less cathartic then one would think; it’s also probably not the most fun thing in the world to tune in and read the ramblings of a complete malcontent every day or two. After some careful thought (I drank a fuck ton of gin and remembered I had a blog) I have decided that this thing is also going to focus on my interests outside of hate and anger. Expect to see entries on bikes, bike advocacy, alcohol, books and general trouble making plus whatever the hell else catches my ADD attention for more than 20 or thirty minutes.

I am also planning to try and stick to a better schedule of updates, minimum two or three a week. I have been trying to create a stock pile of stuff so when I get busy I can still get stuff posted. Feel free to comment on anything you read here be it positive or negative because quite honestly I need the attention and any attention is good attention, I wasn’t hugged enough as a child.

Mind you I am not planning to eliminate the hate, lord no I need to get this shit out of my system and you would not fucking believe what a shrink wants to charge you per hour just to tell them you want to stab people who waste your time in line at the 7-11 buying 30 dollars worth of lotto tickets. Those fuckers can pay their stupidity tax on their own time thank you very much; as much as it pisses me off the state robs the people who can afford it the least of what little cash they have by selling them hope how can you feel that sorry for somebody who does not have enough of a grasp on basic math to see that the odds are horrible no matter how many tickets you buy? Maybe if you took all the money you spend lotto tickets and scratch off you’d have enough savings you didn’t have to blow everything you have hopping to win big and make yourself solvent...

Monday, January 25, 2010

Who would have ever thought I would defend hipsters?


I am seriously so fucking sick of hearing people bitch, cry and whine about hipsters as if they are some new form of blight upon society.

Stop treating the recent out break of hipsters in what ever city it is you live in as some kind of new development; some kind of fresh new plague your generation, or location, has to deal with that past generations somehow managed to escape. This shit is nothing new, things are not changing for the worse or better they are just grinding on as they have for generations. Are any of you honestly going to tell me that this is the first time in the history of civilization that a whole group of people have all decided to follow the same stupid trends, listen the same shitty music, wear the same stupid clothes, live int he same area and sit around thinking they are better then everyone else?

BULLSHIT!!

You think the people living in Haight-Ashbury when the hippies moved in where saying anything that much different from what people are saying today about hipsters? Fuck no, they where out there crying about the hippies with their tight pants, long hair, cheap wine, shitty grass and superior attitudes invading their bars and neighborhood. Just replace ''bell bottoms' with 'tight pants,' 'long hair' with 'stupid mustache,' 'cheap wine' with 'PBR,' and 'shitty grass' with 'cocaine' and you have pretty much the exact same line of shit that you hear people prattle on with when it comes to hipsters.

Don't get me wrong folks, I am no fan of the hipster. They are still a bunch of annoying kids who are slave to fashion with a bad attitude fucking up my 'hood but I'm not about to act like they are some kind of new plague upon society; they are nothing but dumb kids caught up with a fad and that is nothing new, we've been dealing with it for generations. Every group of morons caught up in a current trend with a tendency to love int he same area are the exact same thing as hipsters....

Hippies=hipsters.
Beatniks=hipsters.
Punks=hipsters.
Naturalists=hipsters.
Pretty much any group of trend whore=hipsters.

Get the fuck over it, this is nothing new and your way of life is not being trampled any more then anyone's ever was.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Scrap Truck Apocalypse..

Today is the first day of my own personal war; my war against the scrappers.

Not familiar with scrappers; well let me educate you about these filthy fucking scavengers. Scrappers are a modern day urban parasite feeding on the scraps of society. They comb the back alleys of our cities, back lots of business and anywhere else they can gain access in a quest for recyclable material that borders on obsession. Usually they can be found driving and old, over loaded, and usually unsafe pick up truck literally bursting at the seams with junk.

Once upon a time they where few and far between and not quite the annoyance they have become in recent years; every neighborhood had it's resident 'junk man' who scoured local alleys for anything useful, recyclable or that could be sold for a meager profit. However a few years ago, thanks to a Chinese buying frenzy, the price of scrap steel skyrocketed causing more and more people to look towards selling scrap as a viable source of income. The high cost of steel, and other recyclable metals, plus the added competition of more scrappers lead to bolder and bolder antics from the scrappers; almost everyone I know here in Chicago has a story about copper pipe being stolen out buildings under construction, seeing a scrapper steel a man hole cover, bikes being ripped of to be scrapped or one of a million other odd tales of stuff that wasn't really junk being carted off by this modern breed of sleazy junk man.

Recently the price of scrap dropped, you might think that the lower profit now afforded to the scrapper would reduce their ranks but sadly this is not what happened. Instead of thinning the heard it, in the face of even tougher competition, made them boulder in their questionably legal actions. In the last 2 years I, either personally or as I business, have been ravaged by scrappers. As a business I lost machine parts totaling $20,000 in replacement costs as well as some shop fixtures and several thousand dollars of industrial batteries. Personally I am out two bikes one of which I suspect was scrapped and another that I know was. The police seem not to care much about any of this. I think this is partially due tot he fact that they are jerks but also because it is very hard to catch them; usually they steal the stuff overnight and take it to the scrap yard first thing in the morning making it hard to catch them with the stolen goods and on the rare occasion they do get caught red handed they just claim that they thought it was garbage and prosecution becomes difficult unless it can be proved there was no way they could have mistaken it for refuse.

Now if the thievery where not enough I have a second reason to hate scrappers; they drive some of the most delapidated, unsafe and overloaded vehicles I have ever seen on the road and for some reaosn they never seem to get ticketed or arrested for it. When I workedon fleet trucks we got pulled over and weighed all the time, tickets where issued for any safety violation the cops could find on our trucks but I see scrappers on the road with trucks OBVIOUSLY over gross weight for both the paltes and the vehicle not to mention missing lights or in an obvioulsy unsafe condition with an unsecured load. about two years ago one of these rolling disastars lost a piece of trash on the highway and it come through the windshield of my truck! Why are these fuckers never ticketed for an unsafe vehicle? Should the rules of the road not apply to them too?

Tell you what, I'm sick of it and, after the theft and scrappiong of my tall bike, I am going to take matters into my own hands. Everytime I see one of these fuckign trucks I am calling 311 on any safety violations I see. If they come near my business I am calling the cops. If I'm out and see a bike in one of their trucks I'm making it my bike. These fickign bastards have taken to much from both myself and my firends for it to go unpunished an longer.

Fuckers ought not to have fucked with my British tall.

Rest in peace, or at least melted pieces, sweet, sweet first tall bike.

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Halcyon Days of no Bras and free love...


Over the last week I have spent more time then I should freely admit watching teen movies, why I am not exactly sure. My selections ranged from obscure ultra low budget 'classics' from the late 70's and 80's (the pictured Spring Break from 1983) all the way up to high budget mainstream hits of the last decade (American Pie and all it's various off shoots). Now after wathing more the 12 of these things in less then a week I, in my opinion, have the somewhat dubious honor of having become an expert which gives me the right to the following opinions...

First off I think it could be considered a widely accepted fact that teen movies are not what they once where' Somewhere, somehow, what little class and quality there was to these movies has been drained out and replaced with... well I don't know but I don't like it. When you watch the 'classics' of the genre it always seems the the kids just out to have a good time end up not only on a quest to get laid but forced to stand up for what's right and fight for what they believe in. Not so much in today's modern teen films, anymore it just seems like a bunch of privileged white suburban dongs fighting a battle against good taste in an effort to get their carrots wet. Even the eventual hook ups and happy endings lack any depth to them, there is rarely a single moment where we see a real sacrifice for the sake of love; I fear there may never be another Lloyd Dobler to inspire future generations of men to do stupid things...

Not only are they not fighitng the rightious battle anymore but how often can we really view these kids as 'underdogs?' I'm sorry but after growing up wathing Revenge of the Nerds and its' contemporaries have have massive problems viewing the frat boys and good looking young men of the modern teen movies as underdogs just trying to get the respect they deserve. I mean who in their right mind is going to get behind Van Wilder because they feel the poor privlaged dong is getting taken advantage of? Come the fuck on people.

The next thing I miss in modern teen movies is teens that look like teens and breasts that look like they belong on human women. I'm not sure, exactly, how we are supposed to accept a good looking kid in his mid 20's as a nerdy outcast in high school, that shit does not cut it man. What ever happened to unlikely geeky looking heroes like Mitch Taylor? Know why that kid was such a convincing dorky 15 year old? Because he was 15 fucking years old and looked like a dork! I, for one, am sick of seeing actors fighting a wicked 5'oclock shadow on their well formed square jaw portray geeky high school freshmen! And don't even get me started on the freakishly pneumatic fake ass fun-bags that show up every 10 minutes for no apparent reason. I'm all for boobs most of the time but when I have to start thinking of Porky's as a bastion of modesty and good taste when it comes to the display of the female anatomy I think it's time to scale things back just a touch. Give me the good old days of tank tops, modest breasts and no bras thank you very much.


I think it's high time we demand our teen movies back. I urge you all to write your alderman, senator, congressperson and our president demanding that they take some kind of action to return the classic teen movie to it's rightful place in movie theaters and video stores everywhere. If we don't do something soon we are going to have a whole generation on our hands who will never believe that having a massive party is the best course of action when faced with certain defeat and that is NOT a world I want to live in.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Out with the old...

Well here it is the 4th of January 2010 so it looks like we have all made it safely into the second decade of the second millennium. As disappointed as I am that there are no hoover cars, jet packs or anti-gravity skate boards rather then use this little slice of the web to bitch, cray and make the same old tired jokes about everything we don't have that was predicted I have decided to take a step back and just enjoy the feeling of possibility that only years that end with zeros can give.

Maybe it's just me but a fresh decade always leaves me feeling a whole world of possibility lies in front of me but those closing years always seem to be closing in a strangling me; '99 and '09 where not what I would classify as happy years for me but '90 and '00 where and I am hoping that '10 is as well... and it seems off to a good start

This year I am hoping to make a banner year both personally and professionally. Work wise we are in a position to cast off some of the dead weight that has been holding us back and really expand and grow this coming year. I really hope it happens because it will bring me one step closer to just being able to point and yell when I need things done, none of this real work bullshit. Personally my only plan is to go from being a fat old crazy person to being a crazy person and the whole ride my bike everywhere thing should help with that plus I am planning to try and improve my diet because I want to live past 35 just so I can annoy everyone.

Very, very boring blog post but I think that is going to happen until I get some content built up and held in reserve because I am going to be trying to update here at least 3 times a week regardless of if I have much to say because my ego says you all want to know what I am up to.

I hope you all have a great coming year and keep the party going.

Cheers!