Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'm full of Goblin Cock...

...wait, that came out wrong.

Or did it?

This afternoon I made the trek to the always far too busy Kuma's Corner for one of their massive heart attacks on a plate and some good old fashioned mac 'n' cheese. As usual it was a tough decision but I decided to go with a burger I have wanted to try for ages but continued to skip due to the name.

I know it's childish but I have, for far to long, been unable to order the Goblin Cock because if there is one thing I do not wanted associated with my food it is goblin genital. As wonderful as the concept of a Chicago style hot-dog on top of a Kuma bacon cheese burger sounds who wants to spend part of their meal harboring the mental image of one of Spiderman's most villainous foe's man bits?

Not me, that's who.

Today, after overcoming my irrational fear of, well, goblin cock I came to realize just how much not being able to overcome my fears had been making my life less wonderful. This freakin' thing was AMAZING!! It is simplicity itself, take a already amazing Kuma patty on a pretzel roll topped with cheezy bacon goodenss and top that with a quality Vienna beef frank and all the traditional fixings rioght down to the sport peppers and celery salt. I have not the words to describe how good it is! I had already been a fan of the Bongzilla which is a brat topped burger but this baby puts it to shame. Go out and get one of these now!

In other news sorry I have been so absent from my little slice of the internet but it has been some serious holiday eating and drinking madness here including a bout of food poisoning that left me crapping in an alley like the shoeless hobo we all know I will someday become, but that is a story for another year...

A year which I am hopping is much more interesting then this one blog wise, I am going to make a concentrated effort to stockpile material and keep to a bi-weekly schedule next year so please let me know what you want to hear more of and like or dislike here so I can dance like the trained monkey in need of attention we all know I am.

Cheers all and have a happy, and safe new year!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Rock and Roll hall of LAME...

So I have never been all to sure of this whole 'Rock and Roll Hall of Fame' thing because I've always felt that real rock and roll was all about pushing the envelope, smashing convention and, to a certain degree, going against the established norm. By those standards any form of institution or organization defining or judging Rock and Roll is not, by it's very nature, very Rock and Roll. Not to mention they put the fucking thing in Cleveland! I mean everyone knows it should have been in Memphis, or at the very least LA... Still, as a lover of all things loud, coarse and Rock and Roll I had to admit it was pretty cool to have a repository of all things epic and ground breaking in the world of Rock.

Until now.

Until they have proved themselves corrupt half wits with no idea of what Rock and Roll, let alone ground breaking Rock and Roll really is.

Until the pig-fucking tasteless bastards shits inducted fucking ABBA. Fucking ABBA, those Swedish damn near disco, easy listening, fruit bags who represent almost everything bad about the 70's. Can you even get farther away from Rock and Roll than ABBA!?

Now I am not going to deny that ABBA was a popular band. Nor will I deny that within their genre they where, kind of, a new sound and ground breaking but they sure as hell where not Rock and Roll! ABBA is the high point of soft, safe and easy listening of the era; where is the anger, the hard edge, the rebellion, the smashed guitars and the pyrotechnics that ARE 70's era rock and roll?

Now it's bad enough they let these fuckers in but would you like to know who one of the bands denied entry this year where?


They let in those weak sauce losers and denied one of the most epic rock bands ever to walk the earth. A band who's spectacle and stage show helped to define a new age of Rock and Roll; a band so polarizing and over the top it gained fame with people who hated Rock and Roll because it was such an over the top representation of everything the establishment feared in Rock and Roll. This was a band who raised an army, this is a band who still, today, has a rabid following. Eben today you can still see not only long time Kiss fans but crazed kids donning Kiss makeup and rocking the fuck out.

You seen anyone with feathered hair, ugly white suits and winning smiles twirling away lately? NO!

Kiss inspired generations of screaming Rock and Roll, what did ABBA inspire? The only thing I can think of is that they inspired screaming Rock and Roll by giving lovers of Rock music something to rebel against...

Oh, and just to add to the outrage, know who else was left out this year in favor of ABBA?

Alice fucking Cooper, that's who.

Is there no justice in this world?

Monday, December 7, 2009

Wow, they really will give anyone a gun...

So today at lunch I went to the ye olde chinese buffet and saw something that struck me as sad, funny and amazing all at the same time. It also caused me to nearly poop myself in a public place as my entire body siezed up over the internal battle to act out vs. the very real need to not do so. So what was it, you may ask, that pushed me to the verge complete and total rectal prolapse in a public place?

Well I'll tell ya.

During my second trip to the feed trough I heard a man loudly doing the 'excuse me, what is this?' thing to one of the tiny asian ladies that man the slop line. It was not only the volume that got my attention but the fact somebody was even asking because here, like many buffets, the dishes all have labels over them. After a few repeats his question was answered and, the mystyery was solved and I sauntered over near him to satisfy my curiosity over, A) who the hell needs to ask these kindsof questions and B) was there, or was there not, a little sign over the dish.

Looking over I saw that yes, there was a sign that clearly labled the food item in question 'Chicken Sticks' which, I think, makes things pretty clear as to what one is about to consume. Now at this point it was kinda amusing in that 'this is where society has gone' kinda way but when I glanced over at the custome rin question it became both hilarious and sad all at the same time because the first thing I noticed about the mystery patron was his gun and his badge...

Yep, not only was the boy genius a cop but he was a detective! A fucking detective! This cat is supposed to be a step above and beyond your average uniformed officer when it comes to the powers of observation, deduction and reasoning and he was still unable to figure out that the chicken like meat on a stick he was gaving at, under the 3x5 card that said 'chicken sticks' was, indeed, chicken with out looking to outside help! It's bad enough this dude has a gun but what about all the guys on the local police force that this guy passed over for the promotion to detective?!

My god, you don't suppose they let them have live ammo do you?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Why do we even give a fuck about Tiger Woods!?

No, seriously why the fuck do we care even a little bit about the inner dealings of this mans family and personal life?

Oh, yeah I know all that happy horse shit about living life in the public eye, that's the price you pay for fame and every other old hackneyed excuse used by the media to justify prying onto peoples lives but that is not the issue I am after here. What I want to know is why the general public is so fucking caught up not only in watching this whole mess but the apparent need to be outraged about it as if we actually know any of the people involved in anything but the most trivial and superficial manner possible.

I keep hearing people calling into radio shows and commenting on TV about the horrible thing he has done to his wife and how there is no excuse for it and sharing at least 534 different opinions and theories as to what, exactly happened and why. Moron after moron is spouting off about aspects of this mans life that, without being a close friend, they simply can not know. How can any person out among the general public think they have a right to even start to presume they know the how and the why of any of this? I hear people jumping on Tiger for cheating but yet I hear no one asking if his wife was a frigid harpy who drove him into the arms of another woman, or in his case several other women...

Mind you I am not endorsing, approving or even excusing his actions but I am saying that there is far, far more to this whole ordeal than any of us out here in TV land could ever know and that is exactly as it should be. This is a private matter and we should all have the class and respect to let the Woods family deal with it as just that, a private matter.

Tiger may be in the public eye but why does that mean he should be held to a higher standard? Does being an amazing golfer somehow imply that he should be a better then average man, or even an average man when it comes to his moral compass?

No on both fronts.

Tiger Woods has no obligation to be a role model.

If it upsets you so much he cheated on his wife, stop watching him, write a letter to Nike and stop using him as a role model but in all reality he has done nothing worse then the billion or so men out there in the world who cheated on their spouse last week. A man's level of fame does not effect the degree to which his actions are right or wrong; if you would have stopped caring about the guy you know at work who cheated on his wife by now then you need to stop caring about this...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Terrorists Have won....

.. bullshit, game-over, give the fuck, pack your bags and take your toys home we have lost the war on terror.

This evening our president is going to get on television and announce to all of us that, even though he is a champion of change, that in order to keep us safe from the ever present threat of terror attacks he will be sending more troops to the middle east. Now, I suppose I could be upset about how this is not exactly what he promised. I could go on about continuing unjust wars. I could go on about how this is not enough and if we are going to fight we need to dedicate to the cause and go kick ass for real. Hell, I could go on for days about 50 different things that make this a bad decision and wrong for America but there is one thing, one specific thing that has caused me to loose faith in my beloved 'merica and it's leader ship. One single thing that has me convinced that the terrorists have forever changed my life in a negative manner from which we as a country are never to recover...

The presidents speech is going to interrupt A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS!!

That's right, our commander in chief's long winded rambling on why this non-sense if necessary and waffling on how, exactly this is all changing things for the more peaceful is going to interrupt one of the most pure and wonderful things about America. Something so wholesome and good that there is not a sane and reasonable man, woman or child who can hate it, A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Yeah, yeah I know with DVDs, on demand cable and all that crap we can watch it whenever we we want but there is something magic about watching that show on broadcast television. Just hearing the words 'and now back to A Charlie Brown Christmas...' in that great TV voice over makes my heart warm.

All I can say about it is this, fuck you Obama, you goddamn blockhead.