Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'm full of Goblin Cock...

...wait, that came out wrong.

Or did it?

This afternoon I made the trek to the always far too busy Kuma's Corner for one of their massive heart attacks on a plate and some good old fashioned mac 'n' cheese. As usual it was a tough decision but I decided to go with a burger I have wanted to try for ages but continued to skip due to the name.

I know it's childish but I have, for far to long, been unable to order the Goblin Cock because if there is one thing I do not wanted associated with my food it is goblin genital. As wonderful as the concept of a Chicago style hot-dog on top of a Kuma bacon cheese burger sounds who wants to spend part of their meal harboring the mental image of one of Spiderman's most villainous foe's man bits?

Not me, that's who.

Today, after overcoming my irrational fear of, well, goblin cock I came to realize just how much not being able to overcome my fears had been making my life less wonderful. This freakin' thing was AMAZING!! It is simplicity itself, take a already amazing Kuma patty on a pretzel roll topped with cheezy bacon goodenss and top that with a quality Vienna beef frank and all the traditional fixings rioght down to the sport peppers and celery salt. I have not the words to describe how good it is! I had already been a fan of the Bongzilla which is a brat topped burger but this baby puts it to shame. Go out and get one of these now!

In other news sorry I have been so absent from my little slice of the internet but it has been some serious holiday eating and drinking madness here including a bout of food poisoning that left me crapping in an alley like the shoeless hobo we all know I will someday become, but that is a story for another year...

A year which I am hopping is much more interesting then this one blog wise, I am going to make a concentrated effort to stockpile material and keep to a bi-weekly schedule next year so please let me know what you want to hear more of and like or dislike here so I can dance like the trained monkey in need of attention we all know I am.

Cheers all and have a happy, and safe new year!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Rock and Roll hall of LAME...

So I have never been all to sure of this whole 'Rock and Roll Hall of Fame' thing because I've always felt that real rock and roll was all about pushing the envelope, smashing convention and, to a certain degree, going against the established norm. By those standards any form of institution or organization defining or judging Rock and Roll is not, by it's very nature, very Rock and Roll. Not to mention they put the fucking thing in Cleveland! I mean everyone knows it should have been in Memphis, or at the very least LA... Still, as a lover of all things loud, coarse and Rock and Roll I had to admit it was pretty cool to have a repository of all things epic and ground breaking in the world of Rock.

Until now.

Until they have proved themselves corrupt half wits with no idea of what Rock and Roll, let alone ground breaking Rock and Roll really is.

Until the pig-fucking tasteless bastards shits inducted fucking ABBA. Fucking ABBA, those Swedish damn near disco, easy listening, fruit bags who represent almost everything bad about the 70's. Can you even get farther away from Rock and Roll than ABBA!?

Now I am not going to deny that ABBA was a popular band. Nor will I deny that within their genre they where, kind of, a new sound and ground breaking but they sure as hell where not Rock and Roll! ABBA is the high point of soft, safe and easy listening of the era; where is the anger, the hard edge, the rebellion, the smashed guitars and the pyrotechnics that ARE 70's era rock and roll?

Now it's bad enough they let these fuckers in but would you like to know who one of the bands denied entry this year where?


They let in those weak sauce losers and denied one of the most epic rock bands ever to walk the earth. A band who's spectacle and stage show helped to define a new age of Rock and Roll; a band so polarizing and over the top it gained fame with people who hated Rock and Roll because it was such an over the top representation of everything the establishment feared in Rock and Roll. This was a band who raised an army, this is a band who still, today, has a rabid following. Eben today you can still see not only long time Kiss fans but crazed kids donning Kiss makeup and rocking the fuck out.

You seen anyone with feathered hair, ugly white suits and winning smiles twirling away lately? NO!

Kiss inspired generations of screaming Rock and Roll, what did ABBA inspire? The only thing I can think of is that they inspired screaming Rock and Roll by giving lovers of Rock music something to rebel against...

Oh, and just to add to the outrage, know who else was left out this year in favor of ABBA?

Alice fucking Cooper, that's who.

Is there no justice in this world?

Monday, December 7, 2009

Wow, they really will give anyone a gun...

So today at lunch I went to the ye olde chinese buffet and saw something that struck me as sad, funny and amazing all at the same time. It also caused me to nearly poop myself in a public place as my entire body siezed up over the internal battle to act out vs. the very real need to not do so. So what was it, you may ask, that pushed me to the verge complete and total rectal prolapse in a public place?

Well I'll tell ya.

During my second trip to the feed trough I heard a man loudly doing the 'excuse me, what is this?' thing to one of the tiny asian ladies that man the slop line. It was not only the volume that got my attention but the fact somebody was even asking because here, like many buffets, the dishes all have labels over them. After a few repeats his question was answered and, the mystyery was solved and I sauntered over near him to satisfy my curiosity over, A) who the hell needs to ask these kindsof questions and B) was there, or was there not, a little sign over the dish.

Looking over I saw that yes, there was a sign that clearly labled the food item in question 'Chicken Sticks' which, I think, makes things pretty clear as to what one is about to consume. Now at this point it was kinda amusing in that 'this is where society has gone' kinda way but when I glanced over at the custome rin question it became both hilarious and sad all at the same time because the first thing I noticed about the mystery patron was his gun and his badge...

Yep, not only was the boy genius a cop but he was a detective! A fucking detective! This cat is supposed to be a step above and beyond your average uniformed officer when it comes to the powers of observation, deduction and reasoning and he was still unable to figure out that the chicken like meat on a stick he was gaving at, under the 3x5 card that said 'chicken sticks' was, indeed, chicken with out looking to outside help! It's bad enough this dude has a gun but what about all the guys on the local police force that this guy passed over for the promotion to detective?!

My god, you don't suppose they let them have live ammo do you?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Why do we even give a fuck about Tiger Woods!?

No, seriously why the fuck do we care even a little bit about the inner dealings of this mans family and personal life?

Oh, yeah I know all that happy horse shit about living life in the public eye, that's the price you pay for fame and every other old hackneyed excuse used by the media to justify prying onto peoples lives but that is not the issue I am after here. What I want to know is why the general public is so fucking caught up not only in watching this whole mess but the apparent need to be outraged about it as if we actually know any of the people involved in anything but the most trivial and superficial manner possible.

I keep hearing people calling into radio shows and commenting on TV about the horrible thing he has done to his wife and how there is no excuse for it and sharing at least 534 different opinions and theories as to what, exactly happened and why. Moron after moron is spouting off about aspects of this mans life that, without being a close friend, they simply can not know. How can any person out among the general public think they have a right to even start to presume they know the how and the why of any of this? I hear people jumping on Tiger for cheating but yet I hear no one asking if his wife was a frigid harpy who drove him into the arms of another woman, or in his case several other women...

Mind you I am not endorsing, approving or even excusing his actions but I am saying that there is far, far more to this whole ordeal than any of us out here in TV land could ever know and that is exactly as it should be. This is a private matter and we should all have the class and respect to let the Woods family deal with it as just that, a private matter.

Tiger may be in the public eye but why does that mean he should be held to a higher standard? Does being an amazing golfer somehow imply that he should be a better then average man, or even an average man when it comes to his moral compass?

No on both fronts.

Tiger Woods has no obligation to be a role model.

If it upsets you so much he cheated on his wife, stop watching him, write a letter to Nike and stop using him as a role model but in all reality he has done nothing worse then the billion or so men out there in the world who cheated on their spouse last week. A man's level of fame does not effect the degree to which his actions are right or wrong; if you would have stopped caring about the guy you know at work who cheated on his wife by now then you need to stop caring about this...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Terrorists Have won....

.. bullshit, game-over, give the fuck, pack your bags and take your toys home we have lost the war on terror.

This evening our president is going to get on television and announce to all of us that, even though he is a champion of change, that in order to keep us safe from the ever present threat of terror attacks he will be sending more troops to the middle east. Now, I suppose I could be upset about how this is not exactly what he promised. I could go on about continuing unjust wars. I could go on about how this is not enough and if we are going to fight we need to dedicate to the cause and go kick ass for real. Hell, I could go on for days about 50 different things that make this a bad decision and wrong for America but there is one thing, one specific thing that has caused me to loose faith in my beloved 'merica and it's leader ship. One single thing that has me convinced that the terrorists have forever changed my life in a negative manner from which we as a country are never to recover...

The presidents speech is going to interrupt A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS!!

That's right, our commander in chief's long winded rambling on why this non-sense if necessary and waffling on how, exactly this is all changing things for the more peaceful is going to interrupt one of the most pure and wonderful things about America. Something so wholesome and good that there is not a sane and reasonable man, woman or child who can hate it, A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Yeah, yeah I know with DVDs, on demand cable and all that crap we can watch it whenever we we want but there is something magic about watching that show on broadcast television. Just hearing the words 'and now back to A Charlie Brown Christmas...' in that great TV voice over makes my heart warm.

All I can say about it is this, fuck you Obama, you goddamn blockhead.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Ding-dong the douchebags dead...

...or at least he's left the building.

So last night I gave my roommate his notice, why you ask?

Well the shitidiot has/had a hobby I, as a surprisingly morally centered human being, simply can not abide by. Apparently he feels/felt justified in slashing the tires of luxury cars displaying a 'W' sticker in support of the moron holding office prior to the moron currently holding office; I have not the words convey the level of contempt and hate this drums up inside of me. I am, quite literally, shaking with rage just thinking about it now so that I can try to convey the story of my complete and total psychotic break the whole thing caused.

So while home and putting away laundry my, as usual, inebriated roommate continues a conversation that I started with him and had thought was at an end. Somewhere in here it comes out that he slashes tires for political reasons. A statement he mad in a very prideful manner as if he was proud of this fact; in hind sight this attitude may be what helped to spin me off into stratospheric heights of rage later.

Of course I didn't just jump to rage, I am, after all, a reasonable man. After I got over the initial shock at the complete and total abject stupidity and ignorance at the whole thing I spent some time trying to rationally impress upon him just how 'wrong' this whole thing was which lead to a conversation the nature of right and wrong, karma and the concept of justice and responsibility. I heard a lot of bullshit about how it was OK because he only did luxury cars so it was people who could afford it, and that anyone who supported Bush was flat out evil and had, by proxy to Bush, killed people and 'deserved' some form of punishment; all easy to refute, unless of course you are talking to a fanatic thinking not with his head but with his heart. The concept of people making poorly informed choices or the negative effects his actions have bore no fruit.

Still, I was doing quite well with the whole 'not going ape-shit thing' but I got into the whole line of logic that is he did this to others he could never, righteously, become upset if anything he owned was vandalized and he either could not, or refused, to wrap his mind around it. His big defense was that he was 'right' and the people that he victimized where 'wrong.' He refused to accept that by the same arbitrary standard if a person disliked the car he drove and felt it was 'wrong' and they where 'right' to hate it then they where justified by his own logic. This impass seems to be where things went... wrong..

I'm not sure why, possibly his smug attitude or the fact he was unable to make logical comparisons a 3rd grader should have been capable of the little switch that keeps me from causing harm upon the world flipped to the wrong position and I went 110% nuts. I grabbed the closest thing I could that looked like a good bludgeon, which happened to be my bicycle u-lock and proceeded to scream and yell at the top of my lungs while brandishing the lock in a less then friendly manner and smashing my coffee table with it to punctuate my valid points. At this point it dawned on me that in all reality I simply could not deal with living with somebody who thought it was OK to destroy other peoples stuff over something so stupid as their political affiliation and told him to be gone from my sight and to consider this whole thing his 30 day notice to GET THE FUCK OUT of my castle. He stammered about seeing my point and started to speak of not having wanted to get me angry so I stomped what remained to the table to bits and brandished it at him; it seemed the thing to do at the; I still stand by that decision.

Later some friends came by to comfort me and the cats came out of hiding and all was better with the exception of I have nothing on which to rest my feet when on the couch...

I briefly contemplated the idea that I may have anger issues and decided that I was OK with that because, I think, in the larger picture rage directed at the perpetrators of his form of actions while unpleasant help to make the world a better place because I'm pretty sure that his ignorant actions have a greater negative effect on the greater good then my yelling at, and threatening, one douchebag does.

God I hope the next roommate is better...

Monday, November 16, 2009

Where does the money go?

In these times of financial crisis we hear a lot of talk about job creation, taxes, commerce, reform and all sorts of other buzz words relating to the economy, money and jobs. There are tons and tons of information floating around out there but how much of it can be believed and what does it all mean? Countless commentators, pundits and paid experts show up as talking heads on the news blathering on about whatever they want pushed due to political agenda, fan base or whoever backs the research firm that writes their paycheck and can you really trust the word of a man, or woman, who has an obvious agenda? Are these five minute spots our ADD news scheduling allows a subject this complex really enough time to explain a topic as complex as our national, or world, economy?

In a word, NO.

Compound this lack of readily available information to the common citizen with the deplorable state of our educational system and the general apathy our society instills in our youth and have end up with a world full of people who have no idea about basic economics, let alone our local, state or national economy, forming opinions, voting people into office and just generally flat out spreading their ignorance like wildfire. Think I sound jaded and pessimistic, think again? The other day I was lectured on the economy and taxes by a young man who did not understand the concept of inflation; that’s right, this kid did not understand one of the most basic financial concepts yet he was going to explain to me all about how wrong I was regarding the economy… Don’t get me wrong, I am no expert on these things and would never claim to be one but I do think I have a good firm grasp on the basics, a logical mind and I try to keep myself informed.

As a public service I have decided that I am going to dedicate a portion of my little slice of the internet to spreading some info about the basics of economics and how it effects us as people because… well because I think there are a lot of intelligent people out there who are forming opinions based on bad info.

Today’s edition will be a quick lesson on where the government gets its money which sounds like a complicated issue, but it’s not; in fact it’s a one word answer:


That’s right; every single penny the government spends comes from our pockets. Yours’, mine and that other guy over there’s pocket.

I know, I know it seems hard to believe but that’s it! The only source of income the government has is taking money from us be it in the form of taxes, fees, fine or loans (various forms of bonds and such are nothing more than loans to the government)from private citizens that’s where it all comes from.

Now, here is the part where things always go off the rails; people start to go on about adjusting balance sheets, printing money, loans from other countries and shit like that. It’s hard to wrap the mind around it but all of those things actually pull money out of our pockets as well.

Adjusting balance sheets is just the modern form of printing more money which will always result in inflation. The basics of supply and demand dictate that the more of something you have the less it is worth so if we create more money we are actually devaluing the funds currently held by every man, woman and child in America which is just a really, really sneaky way of taxing us. The fed gets a bunch of money to pay its debts and in the long run it comes out of our pockets.

Foreign loans not only come out of our pocket but are a double fucking; where do you think Unca Sam gets the money to pay these things of? They either take our tax dollars or they print more money which, as we already learned, is just a sneakier method of sticking their hand in our pocket. But this one doesn’t end there, that is only the start of us getting fucked in this deal; do you think that money is loaned interest free? Fuck no, there’s interest on that shit just like on your credit card and who pays that in the long run? You got it, we do.

Seeing it all laid out like that kinda makes you a little more uptight and sensitive about where the government spends its money, doesn’t it?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Waste Not Want Not...

Wow, it's been awhile, Halloween and a birthday party take it out of a brother...

But that's not what I am here to talk to all of you about today. Today I am here to talk to you about waste; or, as I like to call it, the American way of life.

While I am for from any form of earth loving hippie I find myself pissed off beyond belief on a near daily basis by the sheer volume of stupid and useless waste that I see in everyday life. I am not even speaking about crazy fucking 'earth mother' shit like composting or not flushing your toilet enough, I'm talking about basic shit that there is no reason for beyond laziness and ignorance.

I am, shortly, going to fire off a list of several wasteful things I have seen done in the last week that infuriated me. Many, if not all, of them are going to seem trivial when they are looked at on a personal level; however, it is important to remember that the impact of all these things is spread out across millions of people. This means the seemingly inconsequential repercussions of a single persons actions actually add up to a massive impact when take on a global, or even city wide, scale.

So here we go, a partial list of things that piss me the fuck off waste wise:

  • People with handfuls of napkins at fast food places, movie theaters or anywhere else they let the general public grab handfuls of paper product. Are you really such fat, lazy slobyou need 37 napkins to wipe the juicy leavings of your double quarter pounder off your chin? NO! Unless you are taking the fucking things home and using them as ass-wipe and napkins at home you are a wasteful fuck. You just grabs a ton of stuff because it's there; I know this because I see your fat ass throw 90% of the fucking napkins you took away. I hope the trees you kill needlessly rape you in your dreams, nightly, with sharp pointy branches. Maybe a fear of sleep will curb your wasteful ways.
  • People who refuse to either purchase a reusable water bottle or refill regular ones. Yeah, I know the plastic bottle manufacture study said it is bad for you to reuse them but guess what; there are a TON of reusable bottles out there for purchase. I know they can be a little spendy but when you spread that cost out over thousands to bottles of water I bet it's a pretty small cost. We are lucky to live in a country where clean, healthy, drinking water is supplied to us easily and conviently for almost no cost but yet we spend millions of dollars and dispose of millions of bottles daily when we have, for free, the fresh water many people around the world would be willing to kill for... No wonder other countries hate us!
  • Packaging designed to prevent you from using all the product inside. The soap at my shop comes in a container that fits the dispenser in a manner which leaves an inch of soap in the bottom, obvioously an evil plot by the manufacture to sell me more soap. My anger is compounded because I wonder just how many people, unlike me, do not cut the bottle open and use that last little bit; how much extra waste, over a year, over the world, is that when you add up all the products like this and al the people to lazy to use all of it.

These are enough for me now, I have a million of them but not the time to list them all...

What are some of yours?


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Where the Wild Things Send a Horrible Message and Rape My Childhood...

Oh dear or dear where to even start with this fucking travesty of film making torn from the pages of our collective childhoods...

First off there comes the question of just how much of our childhood this book really is and how much of it's supposed cultural relevance is manufactured by the promoters of this epic turd of a movie. While I remember the book, and loving the illustration in it, I have absolutely no recollection of the actual story beyond a bad kid hanging out with monsters. Interestingly enough a large portion of the people I have spoken to who 'loved' the book could not remember the story themselves; not surprising since I remember it having like 20 words... With so many people having only a vague memory of the book one has to wonder is it truly a book loved by all or just shared cultural memory that has been exploited by a media and commercially savvy movie industry? I vote for the later but I'm a pretty paranoid guy...

Truth be told as much as I hate being manipulated by studios who, lacking any real creativity, rip off the things we loved when we where young or proven formulas if the end result is me sitting down, eating a huge bag of popcorn and enjoying a cherry Coke and watching a good movie then I can pretty much put all of that aside because, honestly, I have a short attention span and bright flashing lights enthrall me. Sadly Where the Wild Things Are not only does not manage to mitigate that rage but it actually generates additional rage.

Production wise I really have no issues with the movie, in fact it was refreshing to see a pretty simple movie effects wise in the day of over the top CGI epics. The costume and set design was simple and well done and worked in many cases to set a mood, the monsters homes and architecture was wonderful. It was a very nice film to look at, but sadly that is there the joy ended for me.

The first thing that upset me was that Max, our child protagonist, is a horrible, horrible brat and at the start of the movie he is a complete shit and his mother offers him nothing in the way of punishment beyond a stern look. Later on we see max freaking out, biting his mother and running off into the night because he wasn't getting enough attention because mommy was trying to get a little sumptin'-sumptin'. After running away young Max boards the boat made of dreams and floats off to the land of make believe or the monster island or what ever the fuck it is...

The time in the isleand is pretty much as good as the movie gets and that's not saying much. The 'wild things' are interesting and all represent different parts of the personality (I assume) and somewhere in here we learn a lesson about behavior, expectations and some other stuff I was not all that clear on because, honestly, it's apretty convoluted story at this point and I think there was supposed ot be somekind of symbolisim in it all but I sure as hell missed it. After learning whatever lesson he learned on the island Max returns to the real world and runs his sorry ass back home and this is where the movie really pisses me the fuck off.

When this little shit of a kid returns home moms there, gives him a sad look of longing and procedes to give sad little Max, who inspite the mystery lesson on the island never once thinks to apologize for being a demon seed, a hug, feeds him some soup followed by a tasty piece of cake. Yeah, that's right. Fucking CAKE! The little bastard threw a tantrum, bit his mother, ran away and then comes home showing no external sign of remorse and his mom GIVES HIM FUCKING CAKE!! Great message we're sending kids, and parents, there eh? Yeah, yeah, I know the movie is aimed at adults but you don't think people are going to take kids to see it? You don't think the whole thing is going to be attractive to children? Fuck yes to both of those! On top of the mesage it sends to kids it's bullshit feel-good ending is a justification to every weak sauce pussy parent who wants to be their kids friend; fuck that shit. The little fucker should have recived an ass beating to end all as beatings, I know I would have if I had done that as a child, and I turned out OK.

I think.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


Today while discussing some aspects of my personal life and philosophy with a friend I have finally been forced to acknowledge the fact that I am well on my way to becoming a legitimate crabby old crazy guy and not exactly unhappy about it. Mind you I've always been a little bit of a crank but I always figured I'd grow out of it but as I rapidly approach my 34th year many of my crabby old man like idiosyncrasies seem to not only be sticking around but I am pretty sure I am getting worse. One has to wonder how long it's going to be before it all spirals out of control and I fill my role living alone and wondering why all those damn kids have to be so annoying...

Shit, I just realized something unpleasant; I'm already there.

No, seriously, my much younger downstairs neighbor referred to me as 'eccentric' due to my choice of bicycles, sleep, eating and drinking habits, as well as my apparel. On top of this my roommate, who is of close age, thinks I am way out there and, truth be told, I really don't get along with a large portion of the world leads me to believe I may have already crossed that line. But I'm OK with that and have decided to make it the new direction for my blog.

We are now dedicated to the chronicling of my continuing eccentricity; what exactly that means I'm not really sure yet but there is a good chance it is going to contain rants, movie and book reviews as well as a gateway into my daily life and lots of pictures... just not as many as the drinks thing required...

And yes, I know the picture is of The Tell Man from Phantasm; someday I hope to be that fucking spooky.

Monday, October 19, 2009

I am failure

OK, so it appears the pictures of drinks project is a complete failure. Not because I lacked the discipline required, even in my most drunken stupors I got all the pictures I needed In fact I didn't really miss any until the other night and that was only because I forgot my camera entirely. The problem is it is just to fucking labor intensive to put them into a post here!

Seriously I have like 4 or 5 nights worth of drink pictures but I simply do not have the time it takes to use blogger's amazingly cumbersome composer to put the pictures up on this blog, it take an hour plus to get 15 drink pics up and even then they don't look as good as I would like. I think I am either going to continue the project or start it again next month but find a easier way to display the pictures on the web.

Now on to hate.

Dear Jimmy,

While I do enjoy your sandwiches I am afraid it is time for us to bring our sandwich maker/sandwich eater relationship to an end. Often in the past I have habitually enjoyed your sandwiches on my lunch break at work because your fast, convenient and courteous online ordering and delivery save me valuable time and delivery tasty sandwiches to my office door step at my slightest whim.

However as of late I have been unable to order your sandwiches on line for the last several business days. Your location at 543 S. Shemale Rd in Carol Stream seems to be continually off line; even at hours where I would expect them to not only be open but eagerly accepting orders, you know... lunch time and what not. The absurdity of a chain that is supposed to pride itself on fast, friendly service not allowing me to order simply and quickly on line puts me off my lunch to be quite honest with you.

Oh, I know I could simply call up the store as your website suggests but did it ever occour to you that I am having your shitty fucking sandwiches delivered to me via gthe web because I am a angry misanthrope who has no desire to talk to the mouth breathing degenerates that make up much of fast food service industry? I order online so I do nto have to talk to the retards you hire. Interestingly enough this is pretty much the reason I avoid picking up, or eating in, at your stores. I know it seems crass and superficial but truth be told I have no desire to know how stupid the people who make my sandwich are, let a lone to see how ugly they are... the mere thought of it puts me off my feed and gives me wicked bad indigestion; I mean who wants to think about what could have fallen out of that nappy, greasy head of unkempt heair into my marginally delicious sandwich?

Sorry Jimmy, but if I have to leave the comfort of my desk I'm going to go get myself a tasty sandwich somewhere I can get something other then bland fucking white bread.


Thursday, October 15, 2009

I'm not dead...

I bet you all think I forgot about you and my little picture project but lo and behold no, I have no forgotten I've just been wicked busy with work and all that silly real life shit that gets in the way of the good old fashioned internet, and drinking. Fear not I will soon be catching up not only here in pictures but in real life alcohol intake soon!

In other news I am sick of being sick; for some reason unknown to me I have had a low grade cold for what is going on 4 weeks now. Sniffles, stuffy head, fatigue and a feeling of general sickness have plagued me continually and I've had it up to here with this shit. I am going to set off on a 3 point plan to rid myself of what ever swine flu/zombie virus/flesh eating death I have. Point one is rest and relaxation, no work for me this weekend. Point two is whiskey, and lots of it. Point 3 is more whiskey; I'm going to burn this fucking virus out with the napalm that is sweet, sweet whiskey.

More soon, including pictures of fun.

Friday, October 9, 2009

All Hail the Moon Zombies!!

So as much as I wanted, and I mean really wanted, to stay in and behave the night before I had to get up at 4:30 AM and take a 13 hour round trip drive I had no choice but to go out and get pretty well boozed up; not wasted mind you just happily inebriated because last night, much like tonight and the next several, could be the last chance we will ever have to enjoy alcohol in the pre-zombie apocalypse world. See the egg heads over at NASA, who you think would have seen at least one fucking sci-fi movie by now have decided to bomb the goddamn moon in a effort to find water up there... Yeah, great idea guys, I mean it's not like scientific exploration for lofty and noble goals ever goes seriously fucking haywire with horrible consequences to all man kind, right?

Call me crazy but I am telling you this bomb the moon shit is going to be the end of us all, there going to bring back the long frozen moon water and when that shit thaws some fucking moon-microbe is going to get loose and combine with the hastily brewed H1N1 flu vaccine and BOOM!

Patient zero of the zombie motherfucking apocalypse.

Yeah, laugh all you want but I'm treating every day the next couple of weeks like it could be my last day on earth and my pole-axe handy... what, you don't have a pole axe? Shit, you are getting eaten alive!

anyway, on to the alcohol!

Dollar beer night and patient zero on the path to drunken night out apocalypse has landed... as of now the plan is no hard liquor and keep it on the up and up, just a couple ya know?

#2 is friend approved as A-OK for human consumption. Zombie virus free.

I'm pretty sure I planned to go home after this...

Whoops! A friend came by with good news, it would have been rude not to throw one back in the name of comradery and I have always been a polite man.

Sadly after the Malort clouded my judgement excellent salesmanship and free popcorn from Rick James groin caused me to loose control of my better judgment and drink #4 has landed.

Historically #4 is where things always take a turn for the less responsible with me...

Not to be proven wrong I moved on to beer #5.

Shortly after finishing what really should have been my last beer I cam across this lovely couple and decided to sit a while longer and have a chat with them to find out how society viewed their interracial relationship; ends up things are easier for them in my stomach...

And somehow my couple of drinks became 8 and 1:30 AM. After this I showed the slight bit of good judgement I could muster and ventured home for 3 hours of sleep, a late start and a very tired day.

I so should be napping right now in preparation of another night out preparing mentally for the loss of organized bar society but I love all of you dear readers so much I just had to make sure I got my update done toot-sweet.

Love me for it, give me the attention my mother never did turning me into a blogger.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I've been busy, busy, busy...

So it's been a busy couple of days; Monday and Tuesday night involved some drinks but real life has left me busy enough I need to combine the updates...

Monday a friend called and was going to see a show at Ronny's and wanted to know if I would come out and meet him for a beer or two. Being as Ronny's is a whole block from my fortress I really had no choice although upon arriving we where surprised to find out that they do not open until nine which left us with some time to kill so we hoofed it down to a new bar in the 'hood, Blitz which is... well I don't really know what to say about this place because it can't really decide what it wants to be; we both agreed the best way to describe it was half assed, at best.

Blitz was the sight of two great failings on my part. For one we ordered a Bud and where served Bud Light and I just did not have the heart to argue with the guy over it. I also, for the first time, forgot to snap a pic of the offending drink, I blame the fact we where talking and catching up. I feel the lead pic makes up for it.

After an unejoyable beer at an unenjoyable bar we went back to Ronny's and settled in for some delicious PBR and interesting scenery on the 'Cherry-Master' video pocer machine; I couldn't stop thinking of Lisure Suit Larry...

Beer number three found us in the performance space which was nice because it smells less like pee then the bar half of the building but not so nice because it smells almost exactly like a sweaty gym sock.

So this is why I love Ronny's, where else can you go and watch a kick ass metal band perform right next to a religious icon?

Under the watchful eye of the virgin Mary I felt a little like a heel for drinking on a school night so I hoofed it out of there happy to have an easy night out with a good friend.

Tuesday brought me to West Town Bikes for open shop and, as always, good conversation with awesome people and we all know nothing goes better with bikes than sweet, sweet beer.

2nd beer of the night to the right shows what the most important bike maintenance tool really is...

In all seriousness if you are a cyclist and enjoy working on your own stuff you should really check out West Town and it's retail shop Ciclo Urbano; both are staffed with friendly and helpful people and are great Chicago bike resources!

After super fun bike fixing time it was off to, of course, Relax on Milwaukee which I still say is the best little dive bar in Chicago where we started into Old Style and water for drink number 3.

One of the many things making Relax the best bar ever, other than wicked cheap drinks, is free popcorn so #4 went hand in hand with some buttery goodness.

And #5 is a free shot of Malort; another reason to love Relax is the owner likes to buy the patrons drinks... how can you not love that?

Moving on to #6 we went with more Malort... I'm not really sure why I thought this was a good idea.

Seven left me forced off of Old Style by an empty keg, I was very sad for a period here.

More Highlife, how the fuck long does it take to change a keg!?

At last, swee draft beer...

Ten brings us to... another boring draft beer. I need to drink more interesting things.

Hmmm, the change to a different glass for #11 seems to have no efect on my sense of excitement...

Last but never least a final shot of Malort to keep me warm in the wind on the ride home, yum!

Sadly there was no direct trip home due to other peoples drama but that is a story for another day when I have had more sleepytime the night before.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Don't Judge Me!

Let me give you a recipe for a happy Dug:

1 liter ginger ale
1 half pint of cheap whiskey (I prefer Old Grandad for these but I'm to lazy to walk beyond the closest liquor store...)
1 violent video game or bad movie.

Drink about one pint of ginger ale, add whiskey, and enjoy fairly strong drink that's good for the digestion. Add violent video games, snacks and bad movie as needed for a night of solitary fun. If you favor a slightly less whiskey flavored drink leave a couple of big swigs in the half pint for later enjoyment when you need to fortify your courage.

Yeah, possibly pretty sad I know but I had fun killing nazis late into the night.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Epic hangover day

Today I am no longer a normal man of flesh and blood; I am a new form of human made of pure undiluted hangover.

Things got enjoyably out of hand last night and I have paid for it dearly today. I blame not only myself but one of my friends for finishing his day close to my apartment and dragging me out for a few drunks before my planned evening out during time I has allotted for napping.

I guess it could be worse, today was my only day off this week and I was still able to have a productive day off although after I write this it is couch/movie/killin' nazis time and I plan to do nothing that requires any real physical effort and doubt I'll be drinking to night or tomorrow.

Now, on to the pictures!

It all started at Quenchers with good beers. Yeah I know it seems out of character but I do actually enjoy beer that is not yellow and fizzy but it is always a hazard to my well being because of the unpredictable alcohol content.

I had only meant to have one beer here and make it back home for my nap and dinner but their menu had a 'cuban ruban' that sounded to good to pass up. Seriously, ham, corned beef and pickles; who cold say no to that?

Another tasty hoppy beer makes me a happy, happy man. After this I bugged out of the nice bar and made my way to one of my favorite bars in the city for cheap drinks.

Drink number 4 brings us to the Bob Inn which I find to be a much more comfortable bar, beers cheaper as well.

Books and beer, two great tastes that taste great together. My notes indicate that at this time the bar was starting to be invaded by hipsters.

Number 6 and I decide to start drinking water with my booze to stave off a hangover the next day. If only this plan had worked. Notes indicate happiness that a more attractive bartender came in, the hipsters are apparently not a bother now.

#7 and friends have shown up, I am no longer drinking alone. It is decided I am aiming for at least 15 drinks to make tonight an epic not to be forgotten. I question this choice.

Number 8, I realize that these all look the same but trust me on this they where all fresh beers; I know this because of how shitty I felt this morning.

Number 9 is a completely unremarkable beer.

This may look like it's not a drink but it is. The delicious cupcake exterior hides an inner evil, that little fucker is chock full of whiskey making drink number 10 kinda not a drink...

Here comes trouble, number 11 puts us into shot territory, say hello to my old friend Malort.

No, that is not my hand.

This is my hand, and drink number 13, they are friends.

14 and 15 are friends too. Malort and cheap beer, it's what makes Chicago great. My goal is met, a smart man would have stopped here but I have never claimed to be smart, not to mention this blog would be a lot less interesting if I where.

A lonely number 16 and out last beer at the Bob Inn, after this I was pilled into several cabs and taken to a bar who's name I always forget but has cheap Guiness.

Irish whiskey and Irish beer make DUG a happy man, a very drunk man but happy nonetheless. Notes at this time indicate that we all became fixated on the word shitidiot and determined that The Eagles ruin everything. I also apparenlty preached wisdom... I am not sure what this means or what I said.

To be perfectly honest I have no idea if this was an additional round or just K hamming it up with the previous round... I am saying it's an aditional round of shots because that would make this shot number 19 for me which would bring us to...

Number 20! 20 drinks in one night is alot of booze.... after this one I staggered out into the night, and a cab and made it back home where I slept with my shoes on for some portion of the night.

Yeah, I know it might not be a legit 20 but it's till a fairly epic night and man was it fun. Other notes indicate that at some point K had my bike lights in her mouth...

Man, there has to be an easier whay to put picture heavy updates up on this site... this freakin' thing took more then an hour to do; fuck that!